Billy Needs You! Notes from Chapters 4 and 5

Billy...Billy is the name the book Help for Billy uses to describe the student placed in your classroom who you are dreading having in the fall. Hopefully my previous blog posts have given you some insight as to why Billy behaves as he does. And what to do. Hopefully now you think you may be able to work with his unpredictable behavior in a new way. You will not judge, shame and lecture him, as his teachers in the past have done, but you will strive to be a support for him. Billy was never nurtured and soothed as a baby. He did not learn to deal with his feelings and he did not have someone there who cared or who answered his cries. His neglected upbringing wired his brain to live in a state of fear and overwhelm. Understanding this you make a goal to hear him out when he gets upset, and to do your best to have a connected relationship with him- both of which he has never experienced before. This is good news for Billy. But the bad news is, Billy needs more than that.
Academic achievement requires students to have a positive attitude, be organized, have self-discipline, focus, concentration and to persevere. The trauma Billy faced as a baby affected all of these areas making school a very frustrating place. But, with additional help, guidance and support, Billy can learn to be successful. Billy does not think of ways to help himself organize, how to break down assignments into manageable chunks, and how to study, take notes and focus. He needs to be taught these things and reminded to use his strategies, by an empathetic adult, not by force or belittlement. More time-in, I know!
Yet you are fighting Billy's goal of avoiding negativity. Academics that present even the slightest challenge, Billy avoids like the plague in order to avoid embarrassment and shame. Billy is a master at accomplishing nothing despite being in school six hours a day. He is convinced he can do nothing right, so he feels it is better to do nothing at all. He will accept the consequence of not going out to recess over feeling stupid over not being able to do an assignment.

And there's more. Billy's social skills are lacking and he may act more like a toddler- self-centered, and socially inept. Billy does not know how to wait, take turns, make friends, follow rules, respond kindly to others, read body language, and/or communicate anger in a healthy way. He internalizes many of his feelings and is a time-bomb ready to blow. The simplest thing could be what puts Billy over the edge- someone taking a pencil off of his desk could cause Billy to fight.

Last, Billy hates himself. Help for Billy says a baby's self-worth is encoded into the cells of his body in the first nine months of fetal development. An unwanted pregnancy or stress during pregnancy as well as during the first two crucial years of a youngster's life form the baby's view of the world. If the mother believes the world is unsafe and dangerous, so does the child. If the mother believes the baby is a burden, the baby is ingrained with self-rejection. Oddly enough, compliments are rejected by Billy's brain as they contradict what he knows to be true. "I am so happy to see you today!" Or, "That is a nice shirt!" can cause Billy to become emotionally fired up.

There doesn't seem to be an end to Billy's issues. Yet there is a consistent beginning to the healing. You. A caring, attentive, empathetic adult who can be Billy's rock and who can stay the course. Begin with being an ear. Hear Billy out.
Billy, "I hate spelling words!"
Teacher, "That must be a bad feeling. Tell me about why you hate spelling words."
Billy, "They are too hard. There are too many. I can't do that many."
Teacher, "This list makes you feel really badly, doesn't it? How many do you think you can do to start off?"
Billy, "I can't do any! They are too hard for me!"
Teacher, "Can you do one word?"
Billy, "One? That's dumb! I can do more than one."
Teacher, "Ok, lets start this week with three and see if you feel better about this list." 

Coddling? Maybe. But the point is, Billy has never been coddled or soothed or listened to. What would be better- shutting him down by refusing to budge on the list or having Billy learn three words? And I suggest you leave those three words on the list and give just a few more next week. So, he will have five on the next list but three of them he already knows (as long as he achieved those three).
Then, create a mantra for Billy to repeat every day before he works on his words. Something like,
               "I used to think I could not spell.
               Now, I refuse to believe I can't learn my spelling words.
               I can do anything I put my mind to. I accept that now."

This is not an easy fix, but it is a start. It makes sense to me. Until I truly understood Billy's wiring, I was not a believer. Reading Help for Billy has made me hopeful. I will be drained being Billy's teacher next year, but drained and hopeful. Not drained and resentful.