Changing the Cycle of Unpredictable Behavior with "Billy"

Top of the morning to ya! Yesterday's blog post was about changing how we deal with the "Billys" in our classrooms. "Billy" is the child who was not tended to as a baby. His cries were not heard, and needs were not met resulting in Billy living in a state of fear and overwhelm as his normal. He comes to school as child with an unstable foundation which schools try to build upon with rigorous academic and social expectations. Billy struggles to behave, concentrate, make friends and follow along. He functions in survival mode. The part of his brain that focuses on the next 15 seconds of life dictates his actions and choices. Billy can't plan ahead and reason through his responses. Due to his upbringing, he is not wired that way. Behavior plans don't work to keep Billy in line. He needs something different.

When Billy is losing it, he needs to be understood, heard, and empathized with. He needs to know he is not alone, and he is safe. He needs his feelings to be validated- he does not need to be reasoned with or reminded of the rules he broke. It goes like this:

Billy could not find a partner and is hiding under a table. He was yelling but now has shut down. He does not worry about how he looks to the other kids in the classroom. He perceives them as a threat, anyway. He feels unloved, unwanted, and stupid.
Teacher, "Billy, I see you are upset and angry right now. I would be too. It was not a good feeling to not know who your partner was going to be."
Billy, "Go away!"
Teacher, "This is upsetting you, I can see. I will be over here when you want to talk to me. Take your time."
Billy, "I hate school."
Teacher, "That must make your stomach upset to feel hate. Does your stomach hurt?"

Keep in mind Billy's past if you feel like you are coddling. He does not have an upbringing of nurturing. Most mothers treat their infants this way when they cry out and Billy needs this foundation. He will move forward from here, eventually. He needs to learn what a connected and trusting relationship feels like, first.

This truly worked for me at home with my adult daughter. Read on for my personal story.
My daughter has a very challenging job. She works in customer service for a company that does not have it together and they are seriously short staffed. She comes home after a long rush-hour commute, angry and starving. She lashes out at everyone when she comes in the door.
Daughter, "I HATE MY JOB! I HAVE TO GET A NEW JOB!!!"
Me, "Well, sit down and get on Indeed and start looking."
Daughter, "I need to relax! I have been working all day. The last thing I want is to come home and go straight to work."
Me, "Ok then, don't look. And go to work there tomorrow and the next day."
Daughter, "YOU DON'T GET IT MOM!" (storms away, mad)

After reading Help for Billy, I tried this:
Daughter, "I HATE MY JOB SO MUCH! I WANT TO QUIT!!!"
Me, "That's a bad feeling."
Daughter, "YES, it is a bad feeling. I can't even eat."
Me, "Oh. I am sorry about that. You must be starving now."
Daughter, "I am. Is there anything to eat, Mom?"

Now my daughter doesn't have the same issues as Billy but still...changing the conversation has changed what 6:00 looks like in my house!